SVEN THE POET : AN OFFENDERING OF  HAITKU:

The Haitku requirements:

1. Composed whilst drunk (in one's cups) and preferably on FB.

2. Nine lines because that gives one enough rope to hang oneself,yet no time for considered nuanced self - reflexive thought.

3. It must be written out of a deep sense of personal failure...a sense of irrational bad faith should prevail.

4.Rhyme scheme should be tortured ottavo rima...a kind of hurried stumbling visceral clumsy blurting - the kind of thing that happens when emotion masters reason.

5.It must have a specific target. No abstractions here. No compassion or rationality should mar its purity.

6. Carried on a wave of contempt, the previous rules may all be violated leaving proper nouns in lower case for rapid dispersion of  credence as rambling scattered irrational projected self-loathing takes over.

7.Properly written, a Haitku will acutely embarrass on sober reading.

Examples:

Gweneth paltrow shall I compare thee to cate blanchett?

Thou art less lovely, and ya can't act for shit

If votes were dollars why then they rained on you that night you stole the Oscar from our Kate.

Kiera Knightly I abhor you

Your beauty your thiness a testament to vacuity

If only you could Dance like a dervish or be an envoy to united nations

I might loath you less but

You move from film to film always cast as slim alabaster English beauty

But in reality you are an evil brujeria bitch feeding teenage girls with false unreal dreams

Of thiness and beauty and the virtues of self starvation. Your smile.

Your body. Sigils of sinister simpering superiority.

You move thru life as easily as a vinewrap dipped in olive oil down

the gullet of a yemini refugee.

Die Kiera Knightly die.

Les Murray you are fat

You crawled out of the pig trough and gobbled up all the limited poetry funding.

I haven't read much of your stuff except lunch counter lunch

Because at least its a subject you know something about -eating.

Oh death where is thy sting? Oh massive coronary where is thy victim?

Les Murray just gets fatter and his reputation relies on prolific output and jaundiced right wing views and the old boy lit crit crew he feeds looking for the truffles of an apt phrase. They look in vain.

Aw les get a lapbanding ya prick, so my lean verses can get a look in.

Murramar, why didn't you just fuck off to Switzerland like marcos or pinochet when your time came?

We know you were a great pan African humanitarian but the axis powers wanted you out because of the power shift in the middle east and they needed to back another proxy revolution.

Murramar, you vain sausage, we don't believe what they say in the press about you but you should have seen the writing on the wall,

Mene mene tekel uparsin

You have been weighed in the balance and found wanting.

The best thing about you is that the Israeli psy trance band infected mushroom named a tune after you. Die gaddafi die, whoops you already did....

Denzel Washington you r black But what of that? Good thing the year u won the Oscar was black year.

Chris Wallace Crabbe you are a literary prostitute.

You sell phony lit crits to the vanity press for arts council kickbacks.

I saw you on the east coburg tram one winter,a knitted cravat draped around your wrinkled old neck in conference with a defrocked priest writing his memoirs of a kiddie fiddler.

You and peter steele scuttled to the other end of the tram as I looked at you as if you knew I was a true poet not a self deluded patron of blackpepper publications.

Then I recalled how your son fell off a ladder and lost the power of

Speech and I thought you had perhaps decided that words were borrowed and that judgement was gods so you may as well hire them both out.

Salman rushdie you are ugly, Salmon Rushdie you are ulgy, midnight's children was the best thing you did and that was crap Your agent sent a translation of satanic verses to a crazy imam in Kabul He engineered the fatwah so you could be famous without writing anything because you suck at words but you excel at running away. Salman you don't deserve the Booker or your beauteous companions Far lovelier than any I could pull especially the Punjabi babes. You prick you even went it with white chicks. Sal you look like a well read pugnacious salamander. You r ugly and you r a shit writer. I should have won the Booker that year and I'm better looking than you.

Here is one from my old pal Mel Gibson...

God you r a bastard I did what u asked and made a snuff movie about yr sons passion but still you made me old and ugly fuck i want to kill that bitch okshana an....